Unwritten Rules of Relationships

In my adult life I’ve had my share of dating experiences, but none compare to the time I dated a mama’s boys. Let’s just say, this was not the best relationship in my dating book. To preface this post, I think it’s important I express how much I admire men who respect and love their mothers; I think it’s a great character trait for a man to genuinely love, respect and admire his mother. However, this does not mean that man should be so attached to his mother he is unable to maintain a healthy relationship with a woman.

Some women may not really know what it’s like to date a mama’s boy, so allow me to share my experience with you. I’ll give you a snippet of a specific occurrence that ultimately led me to ending the relationship.

The Scenario:
We were on a date spending some much needed quality time together. We had opposite working schedules and this was one of those rare times when we were both off and were able to actually spend the entire day together. Well, in the middle of our date his mother calls. Let me set the scene. We’re in the car heading to this restaurant we’d both been dying to try and I’m sitting in the passenger seat listening to him fumble his way through the conversation, unable to tell his mother we’re on a date. I look to him and I whisper, just tell her we’re on a date and you’ll come by tomorrow. He looks at me with intense fear in his eyes as if I’d just told him to cut off his mother’s right arm. He studders as he tells his mom we’re on a date. Well, this was apparently something she did not care about because they went back and forth for about five minutes. Can you all guess what happened next? I bet you can’t. Well, allow me to fill you in on the next set of events. He looks over to me and says his mom really needs him, so let’s just head over there and then we can continue with our date (o course in my mind the date was officially over and I am now officially pissed). Yes, he really said that. To end this particular scenario, let me just tell you what was so pressing that he had to interrupt our date. [wait for it] his mother could not get her new DVD connected to her television and needed him to hook it up for her (can we say super ridiculous and super needy).  This was the super important thing she needed help with; the thing he could not say no to. I swear I couldn’t make this stuff up if i tried. I wish this scenario was just a fabrication, but sadly, it is not.

This was the last straw for me. At this point I realized I absolutely could not deal with being in a relationship with a mama’s boy. I couldn’t imagine being married [till death do us part] dealing with playing second fiddle to my mother-in-law. It was something that made my stomach ache and I needed to end this relationship and that’s exactly what I did. From that point on I looked for signs of men being mama’s boys because I knew that was a deal breaker for me.

Questions to my female readers:

Have you ever dated a mama’s boy? If so, what was your experience like? Does it bother you dating a mama’s boy?

Are you married to a mama’s boy; how’s that working out for you?

Let us know. We so value and appreciate your thoughts and comments.

This is a topic that came up when Naomi and I were having one of our many conversations about love, life ,dating and sex.  The question is simple. When did you start having great sex?  Not just slam bam, thank you ma’am plain sex.  I am talking about the type of toe curling sex when you are confident in your body and you really know how to please your partner to a point where you both leave feeling great!  You know, the time when you noticed sex changed and you really knew what you were doing as a grown man/woman.

All of us would love to believe we were born as these great sexual dynamos, but the truth is most of us; damn near all of us, really have no clue as to what sex is all about when we actually first start having it.  Most of start having sex in the teenage years.  In my day, we started having sex during our late teen years. Today that may be a tad off considering how young kids are having sex now. Who knows when it starts. Seems like these kids are starting as early as age 10!  [Anyway, that's another topic for another day.]

As teenagers, we think we know what we’re doing, but we don’t have a clue.  Back in the day, sex was like a roller coaster ride.  You were just happy and excited to be on the ride, but before you knew it, it was over and you didn’t know what happened.  Very few teenagers are connected to themselves enough to truly have great earth shattering sex! Most of the time, teenagers are just recreating something in their heads or something they’ve seen in a video, movie or porno.  Its not too much different once we become young adults, college student or of “legal” age (18 – 24/25 ) .  These are the years when you have a lot of sex that doesn’t seem to really have a purpose to it.

During these young adult years,  guys definitely tend to subscribe to the motto “quantity not quality”.  Guys are trying to get their hands on as many girls as they can handle.  For ladies, they seem to go through what we call “the freedom years”.  Many girls are getting away from their parents for the first time and they start experimenting more with sex.  However, after speaking to many women about this, it seems young girls don’t go after sex with the same reckless abandonment as men do during these years.  Guys have sex on the brain 24 hours a day 7 days a week; not Love but SEX!!  Woman on the other hand are dating, but are still leaning towards marriage and family.

This brings us to the late 20’s early 30’s.  Many people said this is when they really started to find themselves sexually.  More women have said they really started to know their bodies and understand what they want and how they like it.  However, it seems to me in the late 20’s and early 30’s you really become an adult.  And in being an adult, life and more importantly, love changes.

Great sex happens when love is present.  No matter how much people want to deny it.  The greatest sex comes from the people you have feelings for and care about.  Let’s be honest. Is that one night fling really better than the sex between you and someone you truly love and care about? It’s very interesting how everyone seems to have that one person that “opened” them up sexually and that is when sex changed.  Maybe it was that woman/man you connected with and brought out the “freak” in you.  The key to becoming a great lover is letting yourself go.  The more you let go and really be in the moment with your partner, the better the sex will be. Your special friend/lover is that person who was able to bring feelings and emotions from you that you never thought you had.  Most importantly, you trusted that person enough emotionally to let go and really experience GREAT SEX!!!

So, when did you start having great sex?

How did sex change for you as an adult?

20 years ago, Dr. Ellen Kreidman wrote a book titled “The 10 Second Kiss” and people are still talking about it to this day. I don’t know about you, but I love to kiss. I think kissing is the most passionate intimate act of love. In many relationships, things get stale and people tend to be less affectionate towards one another for whatever reason, but if these couples would make an effort to kiss their significant other every single day for 10 seconds; I guarantee the stagnancy would disappear. This goes back to couples being in charge of their relationship. They have to work at being close and connected to one another. There is no magical relationship genie to come and sprinkle love dust over you. You just have to make the effort to put whatever is missing back into your relationship. A good start is making a a commitment to each other to have a daily 10 second kiss; even if you don’t want to initially. You’d be amazed at how much a simple 10 second kiss can improve the passion in your relationship.

Is the passion stagnant in your relationship or marriage?

What are your thoughts about kissing?

Are you too tired for intimacy in your relationship? This topic has been on my mind for the last two weeks. While watching the Sex in the City movie, the topic “Too Tired for Intimacy” popped in my head. This was motivated by the Miranda story line. If you haven’t seen the movie; I’ll quickly give you an overview, so I guess this is somewhat a movie spoiler.

MOVIE SPOILER ALERT: So in the movie Sex in the City, Miranda and Steve were going through a serious sex drought and Steve eventually cheated on her. Miranda’s complaint was she was just too tired. She works full time, they have one child and they’re taking care of an elderly parent with progressing Alzheimer’s. So due to all of these factors, they’d managed to go six months without sex; I repeat – six months without sex.

Although this is a movie, the scenario applies to real life. I hear women talk about how tired they are and how their sexual drive has decreased since having kids all the time. So this is obviously a relevant topic. We’ve all seen a million talk shoes with couples on there talking about this very thing and I’m quite sure one out of five of your married friends has discussed this with you.

I know some women are going to down right hate me for the next couple of paragraphs I’m getting ready to write, but I have to say it for it may save your marriage. In marriage or people who are in deeply committed relationships; intimacy is just as important as communication. The intimacy a couple shares between one another is crucial to the nurturing of your relationship. Your relationship is like a garden and if you fail to water that garden, it will indeed die. A garden has to be tended to, just as your relationship does. I hear so many women say they’re too tired to have sex because of work/mom responsibilities. I hear this from working moms as well as stay at home moms. Here are a few points to ponder on.

1. It’s not just about having sex. It’s about connecting on an intimate level with your spouse. Being in tune with one another.

2. Intimacy should never be considered a “task”. If you feel it is such, you seriously need to change your thinking.

3. The kids do not come first – YOUR MARRIAGE DOES. If your marriage is healthy, your children will be healthy….marinate on that for a minute. Read it twice if you must.

4. Keep your marital bed a marital bed. Do not allow your children to form a habit of sleeping in your bed. Your bedroom needs to be your private domain. (Note: this does not mean you don’t love your children. However, it does mean you are committed to placing barriers where they need to be placed for the sake of retaining a level of privacy between you and your spouse).

Intimacy is one of the key factors in keeping a couple engaged and connected to one another. Often people think marriage takes care of itself, but that is far from the truth. People have to truly commit to making a conscious effort to do everything in their power to keep their garden watered. This includes making time for intimacy.

Questions to YOU:

• Do you feel intimacy is important?
• Are you suffering from an intimacy drought?
• What are your thoughts on this topic?

Since we have just come out of one of the most historic elections in US history with everyone from Joe “the plumber” to Jay-Z showing a new found interest in politics. It seems everyone has a strong opinion on one issue or another nowadays.  The issues range from the Wall Street bailout, gay marriage, illegal immigration, General Motors and yes, torture. It seems like everyone has something they feel strongly about, but do your political views go overboard and shrink your dating options?  Are you only going to date democrats?  How about only dating a “real” conservative republican?  I always thought in “dating”,  people were a little more open to find out about the person beyond the politics first before making a decision.  Yeah right! More and more I’m seeing people  not being as open minded about dating as you think.

I was speaking a group of friends and one of them has very strong views that lean heavily toward the republican side of the isle. So much so that if they are on a date and they find out during the course of conversation they differ strongly politically, they end the date immediately (I’m talking in the middle of salad at dinner immediately!) and go home.  I thought that was way too extreme, but as the group talked it seemed that people who are very political definitely factor that into their unwritten dating rules.  So the unwritten rule for today is:

Unwritten Rule: Politics can play politricks in dating! so be careful!

Questions to YOU:

Have you met someone you were “feeling”, but was turned off by their political views?

How important are politics to your relationships?

ABWS (Angry Black Women Syndrome) – do you have it? A good friend of mine recommended a DVD he felt I shoud watch called “Diary of a Tired Black Man”. I guess its been out for a while,  but I am not really into the ghetto style DVDs that hit the street, so I am not surprised I could have missed it. I have to say I was surprised by the content. It’s not a movie per se; it’s a collection of film shorts with commentary from people on the street talking about all aspects of Angry Black Women Syndrome.

To be fair, the film creates the term Angry Black Women Syndrome, but as the film progresses the filmmaker clearly states all women can have anger issues. At the core, the DVD addresses a side of male/female relationships that aren’t always talked about. There has been so much said, written, sang and shown about how men mistreat women, but the other side rarely gets talked about. The fact this film was made from the perspective of a “good man”, made this film different. The term “good man” refers to a man who truly loves his wife/girlfriend and family; one who is trying his best to do right by them. The main point in this movie is “angry” women can make a good man “tired”. Tired to the point where he wants out of the relationship/marriage.

The DVD brings out a few interestings things. The main issue being – many women are angry from the result of bad relationships with men. The DVD talks to several women who admit they are angry and every one of them has had bad relationships. Another contributing factor is the lack of a father figure [people refer to this as having  "daddy issues"]. Women admitted to their own ”anger” and problems with men due to not having a good relationship with their father or the lack of their father’s presence during childhood. The film also talked about how a womens friend(s) can cause her to mess up her own relationship.  It’s a shock to see women finally admit these things, but it is no surprise to men !!

The film was interesting and I recommend you view it. If for nothing else, it will really create some good discussions with your friends, family or your significant other. The film made me want to throw the following questions out for your response:

Women:

Are you an angry woman?

Do you have friends that are angry women?

What normally caused your relationships to go bad?

What does it really mean when you say you are a strong woman?

Men:

Have you dated with an angry woman?

If you have been in a realtionship with an “angry” woman, How did it make you feel?

Did you become a “tired” man?

Both:

How do you resolve conflicts in your relationships (not what you should do but what you actually do ) ?

We are pleased to announce the upcoming launch of our Unwritten Rules of Relationships radio show. We had to cancel our first scheduled show due to a family emergency, but we’ll be setting up another show very soon, so stay tuned.

Here’s a glimpse of what we’ll be talking about:

The Unspoken Truths in Dating:
Are people really honest about what they say when they’re dating; ARE YOU? Do you believe in full disclosure when going through the dating game or do you believe some things are better left unsaid. Are you honest and upfront about what you want and expect? All this week on The Unwritten Rules of Relationships.. Check out our blog for more information on this topic – http://www.unwrittenrulesofrelationships.com

Thanks for those who commenting on What is Full Disclosure in Dating? Part-1. (Not too late to put in your two cents)…

From the comments many believe in full disclosure and believe it is an essential part of any and every relationship. Let’s dig a little deeper on this topic of full disclosure. I believe full disclosure also requires you to be honest with yourself.  Huh, now what do I mean by that? Well, let me tell you.  Let’s say you know you don’t want to date someone who is a workaholic. Oh, I guess I should have prefaced this with the fact that in order to be honest with yourself, you should have some kind of idea of what you want out of a relationship (that always helps).

So, you meet someone and you hit it off, but you realize or they tell you they’re a workaholic. First, there’s nothing wrong with being a workaholic, but if you are someone who needs a lot of time with your companion, then obviously dating or marrying a workaholic is going to create problems.  Here’s my question;  you KNOW you don’t want to date a workaholic, so do you all of a sudden change your mind and decide dating a workaholic is now ok? If you do change your mind; is it because you are hoping the other person will stop being a workaholic? Are you secretly hoping they’ll work less if you love them enough? Are you accepting anything for the sake of not being alone? What is the motivation behind this “change of heart”?

This is where the fine line of being honest or fooling yourself comes in. Why do we start relationships with people whom possess things, ways or habits we do not particularly like? Why do we think people will change those things once in a relationship with us? This is such a common mistake we all have made at one time or another, but many continue to make it. The whole point of full disclosure is to give both parties the opportunity to really know and understand what the other wants and to give both parties the chance to make the decision on whether or not they should move forward. If more people did that; there would no doubt be less divorce.

What are your thoughts on this? What have your experiences been?

You will often hear me talk about full disclosure when dating. I feel it is an essential part of this whole dating game. What is full disclosure you ask? I’ll explain – it’s simple. It is the act of telling the person you’re dating what your intentions are and what you want. Why is this important you ask? For starters, no one is getting younger by the day and I personally hate having my time wasted and hate wasting the time of others. Let’s use an example:

WOMEN:
If you KNOW you are on a mission to find a husband and you are NOT into casual dating and do NOT want a booty call type relationship, then YOU SHOULD SAY THAT. It’s something I like to call being honest and there’s nothing wrong with it. Being honest can save you some time and weed out those men who don’t share your same wants and desires.

MEN:
If you KNOW you are only interested in casual dating (going out every now and then; nothing serious), then you should say that. Again, nothing wrong with being honest. It might actually spare you of some woman being to clingy because she THINKS you MIGHT want a relationship with her.

I believe dating is the time when people should actually talk about who they are and what they want. Too often, we skip the talking and get into something we never should have entered in the first place. Now wonder why the divorce rates are so high.

Do you believe in full disclosure or do you think withholding the truth is the best way to go? Share your thoughts with us. This is just part 1 in the discussion of full disclosure. There is more to come. So, join the conversation…