Unwritten Rules of Relationships

I love Facebook and admit I spend a lot of time on there.  It’s a personal space for me to talk with my friends and family. I’ve been noticing a lot of people have the “It’s Complicated” Facebook dating status.  It got me thinking; why does a relationship have to be complicated? Better yet, why in the world do you want to be in a relationship that is complicated? When I see/hear it’s complicated I immediately think that individual is in some BS type of situation they clearly don’t need to be in or it wouldn’t be complicated. What kind of BS situation am I referring to? Well, let’s see. I think the one of the following:

1. Someone is involved with an individual that is married.
2. Your dating someone who isn’t quite ready for a commitment, but you are and you’re your hanging on hoping they’ll change their mind.
3. You got cheated on (or you did the cheating) and now you’re relationship is on shaky ground.

Why do we hang on to these complicated relationships? Are we waiting for a love fairy to come down and magically uncomplicate the situation for us?

Since we are embarking on a new year, I propose all of you with these “It’s Complicated” Facebook dating status’; take a real hard look into what’s making your situation complicated and determine if this is a situation that is truly good for you and if it’s not; have enough balls to end it and move on.

I don’t know about you, but it’s my goal to live a life that is as uncomplicated as possible. Who needs the added drama? I certainly don’t. Do you?

I WAS TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING – Beware: If you here this phrase, just go ahead and run for the hills. This has got to be one of the most dreaded phrases someone can utter.  The sad truth is just about everyone at one point in there life has said it to someone.  We all know what this phrase means.  It means I lied and that’s the truth!

How many times have you gone out with someone just because they were nice and you didn’t want to hurt their feelings?  How many of you have gotten married out of obligation instead of for love. Maybe you’ve been dating someone for 10 years and you figure, hell, I might as well get married [it's the right thing to do-right?].  Maybe you get pregnant and marry the guy solely because you’re trying to do the right thing. Maybe you’ve been dating a woman who has put up with your crap for years. I mean she was there for you when you had the car accident, you got locked up or whatever crazy thing that happened in your life; she was there for you every step of the way. You may really care for her, but deep down inside, you know she is not the woman who truly makes you happy, BUT  what do you do; you marry her anyway because she has been there for you and you feel obligated to do the right thing!

If you think doing the right thing is the best solution, ask yourself a question. What if YOU are the person being lied too? You may be in a relationship or marriage where you may love your significant other with every breath in your body, but can’t ever get that bond to grow deeper.  You may spend days, weeks, or even months trying to figure out what the problem is, where the disconnection is coming from. Then after all the talks, arguments, fights and mental frustrations, your partner finally tells the truth. It’s not that they don’t care about you  but they were just trying to do the right thing! Checkmate!!

I know, I know, it always seems easier to deal with the lie rather than be honest with the other person about how you truly feel about the situation. Know that whenever you enter into a relationship like this, it is almost always guaranteed to fail! So remember, doing the right thing isn’t always doing the right thing!!

What do you do when your spouse wants out of the marriage and you don’t? This is sadly the case in a lot of marriages today. People get married thinking, expecting and hoping it’ll last a life time and one day that dream becomes a nightmare when they’re faced with the realization that their spouse wants out.

A part of marriage is going through good times and bad times, lows and highs, but the idea is to stick it out and see your way through. But, when you’re the only one who even wants to see the marriage thrive, what are you supposed to do? How long are you supposed to hang in there? How long are you supposed to eat, live and sleep with someone who wants to cut you out of their life? How long are you expected to beg your spouse to work on your marriage? These are some difficult questions; especially for the person who’s wondering these things for him or herself.

The reality is you cannot force someone to care about their marriage and you definitely can’t force someone to stay in a marriage if they would rather be free. You can stay in the marriage always wondering if she’ll change her mind and want the marriage again or stay in the marriage in a state of panic wondering when she’s going to say those three horrible words; I’m Leaving You. It’s really a hard call. No matter who decides to call it quits and when; in all honesty, the only thing you can do is do your part and hold up your end of the bargain to the very end.

Have you ever been in this type of situation? What did you do? What would you if you were married and your spouse told you they wanted to be free?

In my adult life I’ve had my share of dating experiences, but none compare to the time I dated a mama’s boys. Let’s just say, this was not the best relationship in my dating book. To preface this post, I think it’s important I express how much I admire men who respect and love their mothers; I think it’s a great character trait for a man to genuinely love, respect and admire his mother. However, this does not mean that man should be so attached to his mother he is unable to maintain a healthy relationship with a woman.

Some women may not really know what it’s like to date a mama’s boy, so allow me to share my experience with you. I’ll give you a snippet of a specific occurrence that ultimately led me to ending the relationship.

The Scenario:
We were on a date spending some much needed quality time together. We had opposite working schedules and this was one of those rare times when we were both off and were able to actually spend the entire day together. Well, in the middle of our date his mother calls. Let me set the scene. We’re in the car heading to this restaurant we’d both been dying to try and I’m sitting in the passenger seat listening to him fumble his way through the conversation, unable to tell his mother we’re on a date. I look to him and I whisper, just tell her we’re on a date and you’ll come by tomorrow. He looks at me with intense fear in his eyes as if I’d just told him to cut off his mother’s right arm. He studders as he tells his mom we’re on a date. Well, this was apparently something she did not care about because they went back and forth for about five minutes. Can you all guess what happened next? I bet you can’t. Well, allow me to fill you in on the next set of events. He looks over to me and says his mom really needs him, so let’s just head over there and then we can continue with our date (o course in my mind the date was officially over and I am now officially pissed). Yes, he really said that. To end this particular scenario, let me just tell you what was so pressing that he had to interrupt our date. [wait for it] his mother could not get her new DVD connected to her television and needed him to hook it up for her (can we say super ridiculous and super needy).  This was the super important thing she needed help with; the thing he could not say no to. I swear I couldn’t make this stuff up if i tried. I wish this scenario was just a fabrication, but sadly, it is not.

This was the last straw for me. At this point I realized I absolutely could not deal with being in a relationship with a mama’s boy. I couldn’t imagine being married [till death do us part] dealing with playing second fiddle to my mother-in-law. It was something that made my stomach ache and I needed to end this relationship and that’s exactly what I did. From that point on I looked for signs of men being mama’s boys because I knew that was a deal breaker for me.

Questions to my female readers:

Have you ever dated a mama’s boy? If so, what was your experience like? Does it bother you dating a mama’s boy?

Are you married to a mama’s boy; how’s that working out for you?

Let us know. We so value and appreciate your thoughts and comments.

This is a topic that came up when Naomi and I were having one of our many conversations about love, life ,dating and sex.  The question is simple. When did you start having great sex?  Not just slam bam, thank you ma’am plain sex.  I am talking about the type of toe curling sex when you are confident in your body and you really know how to please your partner to a point where you both leave feeling great!  You know, the time when you noticed sex changed and you really knew what you were doing as a grown man/woman.

All of us would love to believe we were born as these great sexual dynamos, but the truth is most of us; damn near all of us, really have no clue as to what sex is all about when we actually first start having it.  Most of start having sex in the teenage years.  In my day, we started having sex during our late teen years. Today that may be a tad off considering how young kids are having sex now. Who knows when it starts. Seems like these kids are starting as early as age 10!  [Anyway, that's another topic for another day.]

As teenagers, we think we know what we’re doing, but we don’t have a clue.  Back in the day, sex was like a roller coaster ride.  You were just happy and excited to be on the ride, but before you knew it, it was over and you didn’t know what happened.  Very few teenagers are connected to themselves enough to truly have great earth shattering sex! Most of the time, teenagers are just recreating something in their heads or something they’ve seen in a video, movie or porno.  Its not too much different once we become young adults, college student or of “legal” age (18 – 24/25 ) .  These are the years when you have a lot of sex that doesn’t seem to really have a purpose to it.

During these young adult years,  guys definitely tend to subscribe to the motto “quantity not quality”.  Guys are trying to get their hands on as many girls as they can handle.  For ladies, they seem to go through what we call “the freedom years”.  Many girls are getting away from their parents for the first time and they start experimenting more with sex.  However, after speaking to many women about this, it seems young girls don’t go after sex with the same reckless abandonment as men do during these years.  Guys have sex on the brain 24 hours a day 7 days a week; not Love but SEX!!  Woman on the other hand are dating, but are still leaning towards marriage and family.

This brings us to the late 20’s early 30’s.  Many people said this is when they really started to find themselves sexually.  More women have said they really started to know their bodies and understand what they want and how they like it.  However, it seems to me in the late 20’s and early 30’s you really become an adult.  And in being an adult, life and more importantly, love changes.

Great sex happens when love is present.  No matter how much people want to deny it.  The greatest sex comes from the people you have feelings for and care about.  Let’s be honest. Is that one night fling really better than the sex between you and someone you truly love and care about? It’s very interesting how everyone seems to have that one person that “opened” them up sexually and that is when sex changed.  Maybe it was that woman/man you connected with and brought out the “freak” in you.  The key to becoming a great lover is letting yourself go.  The more you let go and really be in the moment with your partner, the better the sex will be. Your special friend/lover is that person who was able to bring feelings and emotions from you that you never thought you had.  Most importantly, you trusted that person enough emotionally to let go and really experience GREAT SEX!!!

So, when did you start having great sex?

How did sex change for you as an adult?

Are you too tired for intimacy in your relationship? This topic has been on my mind for the last two weeks. While watching the Sex in the City movie, the topic “Too Tired for Intimacy” popped in my head. This was motivated by the Miranda story line. If you haven’t seen the movie; I’ll quickly give you an overview, so I guess this is somewhat a movie spoiler.

MOVIE SPOILER ALERT: So in the movie Sex in the City, Miranda and Steve were going through a serious sex drought and Steve eventually cheated on her. Miranda’s complaint was she was just too tired. She works full time, they have one child and they’re taking care of an elderly parent with progressing Alzheimer’s. So due to all of these factors, they’d managed to go six months without sex; I repeat – six months without sex.

Although this is a movie, the scenario applies to real life. I hear women talk about how tired they are and how their sexual drive has decreased since having kids all the time. So this is obviously a relevant topic. We’ve all seen a million talk shoes with couples on there talking about this very thing and I’m quite sure one out of five of your married friends has discussed this with you.

I know some women are going to down right hate me for the next couple of paragraphs I’m getting ready to write, but I have to say it for it may save your marriage. In marriage or people who are in deeply committed relationships; intimacy is just as important as communication. The intimacy a couple shares between one another is crucial to the nurturing of your relationship. Your relationship is like a garden and if you fail to water that garden, it will indeed die. A garden has to be tended to, just as your relationship does. I hear so many women say they’re too tired to have sex because of work/mom responsibilities. I hear this from working moms as well as stay at home moms. Here are a few points to ponder on.

1. It’s not just about having sex. It’s about connecting on an intimate level with your spouse. Being in tune with one another.

2. Intimacy should never be considered a “task”. If you feel it is such, you seriously need to change your thinking.

3. The kids do not come first – YOUR MARRIAGE DOES. If your marriage is healthy, your children will be healthy….marinate on that for a minute. Read it twice if you must.

4. Keep your marital bed a marital bed. Do not allow your children to form a habit of sleeping in your bed. Your bedroom needs to be your private domain. (Note: this does not mean you don’t love your children. However, it does mean you are committed to placing barriers where they need to be placed for the sake of retaining a level of privacy between you and your spouse).

Intimacy is one of the key factors in keeping a couple engaged and connected to one another. Often people think marriage takes care of itself, but that is far from the truth. People have to truly commit to making a conscious effort to do everything in their power to keep their garden watered. This includes making time for intimacy.

Questions to YOU:

• Do you feel intimacy is important?
• Are you suffering from an intimacy drought?
• What are your thoughts on this topic?

ABWS (Angry Black Women Syndrome) – do you have it? A good friend of mine recommended a DVD he felt I shoud watch called “Diary of a Tired Black Man”. I guess its been out for a while,  but I am not really into the ghetto style DVDs that hit the street, so I am not surprised I could have missed it. I have to say I was surprised by the content. It’s not a movie per se; it’s a collection of film shorts with commentary from people on the street talking about all aspects of Angry Black Women Syndrome.

To be fair, the film creates the term Angry Black Women Syndrome, but as the film progresses the filmmaker clearly states all women can have anger issues. At the core, the DVD addresses a side of male/female relationships that aren’t always talked about. There has been so much said, written, sang and shown about how men mistreat women, but the other side rarely gets talked about. The fact this film was made from the perspective of a “good man”, made this film different. The term “good man” refers to a man who truly loves his wife/girlfriend and family; one who is trying his best to do right by them. The main point in this movie is “angry” women can make a good man “tired”. Tired to the point where he wants out of the relationship/marriage.

The DVD brings out a few interestings things. The main issue being – many women are angry from the result of bad relationships with men. The DVD talks to several women who admit they are angry and every one of them has had bad relationships. Another contributing factor is the lack of a father figure [people refer to this as having  "daddy issues"]. Women admitted to their own ”anger” and problems with men due to not having a good relationship with their father or the lack of their father’s presence during childhood. The film also talked about how a womens friend(s) can cause her to mess up her own relationship.  It’s a shock to see women finally admit these things, but it is no surprise to men !!

The film was interesting and I recommend you view it. If for nothing else, it will really create some good discussions with your friends, family or your significant other. The film made me want to throw the following questions out for your response:

Women:

Are you an angry woman?

Do you have friends that are angry women?

What normally caused your relationships to go bad?

What does it really mean when you say you are a strong woman?

Men:

Have you dated with an angry woman?

If you have been in a realtionship with an “angry” woman, How did it make you feel?

Did you become a “tired” man?

Both:

How do you resolve conflicts in your relationships (not what you should do but what you actually do ) ?