Unwritten Rules of Relationships

The other night I was flipping through the stations and watched a couple of minutes of the “I Love Ray J” show.  This show is crazy,  but there was something interesting happening.  Ray J is down to his three final women and he wanted some of his friends/”homies” , along with Snoop Dogg, to come by his house to check out the girls and give him their thoughts.  Well one his homies  revealed, one of the girls had slept with another one of the homies.  Now they started to clown this girl and made sure to let Ray J know she was too much of a ho.  Now these guys seemed like they wouldn’t mind a loose/ fast girl,  but they did.  They all felt like she had crossed the line and wasn’t right for Ray J because she was basically too much of a ho.  That had me thinking about the fact that no matter how much men tell women to be sexy and really want to play around  with the sexy fast girl.  There is no way they really want that woman to be their lady.

I think so many women nowadays feel more open than ever about their sexuality.  Many young women feel that sleeping around is the big deal.   However, I think many women are really misguided in this area.  Many men will play and have sex with a ho but a man is going to be in love with a real woman.  Does that mean that real women aren’t sexy? Of course not, sex appeal is not necessarily the clothes a women wears.  Most of the time its the way  she carries herself that men will find sexy in a much more lasting way.    Its true that men will flock around fast woman in tight clothes.  Those women will  enjoy a lot of artificial attention and pseudo love.   This type of attention is for the pleasure of sex not for a relationship/wife.  No man EVER wants other men to know that his wife is , was or has ever been considered a ho.  Why is that?  because no man wants to bring children in this world from a ho.   Believe it or not ladies, men want a good woman. Men want a woman they can call theirs, not someone everyone has had their hands on.  No man ever wants to meet a man and have him say ” Your wife is great in bed”.

The truth is that men don’t look at sex the same way for a women period.  Ladies,  if many men love to play with you in bed but not stay with you in a relationship.

If we are to believe the movies, the ruthless tough guy always gets the girl. And didn’t it seem that the bad boys at school always had the hottest babes? The best looking girls always seem to love the bad guys. Maybe because the best looking guys always became the bad guys? Everywhere we tend to see bad guys and nice girls. We see fools and meatheads with the girls of our fantasies. In the mall we see our flaxen haired goddesses with America’s Most Wanted. Is it nature at work, is it us, what has gone awry?

Men are confused. We like to refer to stereotypes and work from them. Men are told that we need to be a hero and a tough guy. But then we are told we need to be in touch with our sensitive sides. Meanwhile the man down the street who treats his girlfriends like crap, never calls, is rude and disrespect appears to have a fan club developing. Life, my friends, can seem unfair. But let’s look at what is going on with this scenario.

Interest. Bad guys are interesting, they do interesting things. They have strayed from the straight-and-narrow and have developed their own code of conduct. They do what they want. They go where they want. They answer to no one. They are, in other words, fascinating. Tow the line, do as you are told and inevitably you will be become dull. Mavericks are interesting, straight guys are not.

Bad guys are confident and self assured. They know what they’re about and don’t really care what others think. They are their own men and don’t need others to prop them up. Bad guys don’t have to be in shape, just look at James Galdofini from The Sopranos, who is immensely attractive despite his rotund appearance. Some can become almost caricaturesof themselves, but that doesn’t make them any less attractive.

Plus bad guys are a challenge. We all love a challenge, and women may love a challenge even more than the boys. If something is a challenge, the end results must surely be worthwhile, right? The girls who go after bad guys want to find the pot of gold at the end of crazy rainbow. They will go to great lengths to solve their mysteries. And once they have them, once they’ve conquered the challenge, they don’t want to let go. Plus it makes for an exciting rollercoaster ride because the bad guy could walk away at any moment. The greater the danger of loosing a bad guy, the greater the effort they’ll put forth to keep them. And there may be a lesson there.

What do we have if we combine these facets? Power, strength of character, confidence, a maverick nature and an immensely interesting personality equals sexiness. That is exactly what the bad boy is, so it’s no surprise that this type of guy often get the gal. It doesn’t mean to say that we like them, and it doesn’t mean it is fair or even a good thing, but raw attraction can be nature’s way.

I am not in any way suggesting that we should all be Mr. Bad Guy. Not at all. What I am saying is that there are lessons to be learned here. What is attractive can be modified and added to our arsenal of dating weaponry. How you perceive yourself that matters the most. If you can increase your confidence levels, get your career on the right tracks, excel in what you do and be your own man within the confines of your working life, then you’ll get that bad boy confidence. And that attitude will boost your attractiveness. You don’t need to go around being bad, but you can be a bit more deliberate in your actions, a little less available and a little more enigmatic. This will boost your interest factor and again help in your attractiveness.

The modern dating game is highly complex and courting rituals can be a minefield. Go back to basics, analyze what is it that you think potential partners would like and think about how can you match of yourself to those qualities. Changing just a few small things could make the world of difference.

courtesy of TopDatingTips.com

I know by know that everybody has jumped in on the Tiger Woods drama.   I’m not here to bash Tiger actually quite the opposite.  First and foremost, unless you know Tiger and his family personally, you really don’t know what is going on.    I don’t care what the media reports.   Most of us know that a marriage is hardly ever black and white.  Most of the time, many of them exist in the gray area.

I have heard many women say Tiger should never have cheated.  I think he should have never gotten married in the first place!  First, we are talking about TIGER WOODS not Bob from accounting or Mike from the block.  I think its safe to say that he lives in a different world than most of us will ever know.  A world where just about anything he wants he can have and the temptation level is high 24 hours a day.  So when your in a position like that you have to understand who you are before you get married or in a relationship.  Forget about Tiger, many men and women are in relationships for reasons other than true commitment.  Many of us  set up  “self made disguises” to hide who we really are to be in a situation we think is right.

That’s where the problem starts.  You may want to be with someone who you know is a great person and would make a great companion. However,  in your heart, you are not at a place where you can be what THEY want.  So you disguise yourself to become what they want so you can be with a person.   For example, you are the party girl who has never found the right kind of man.  A man comes along, who doesn’t party, but is everything you want in a man.  However, you still like the party life.  So what do you do? You put on your disguise to make it work because you know he is a “good” man.  Now you have a conflict set up inside yourself because you not being yourself.  You are becoming  what you think you “should” be.   Now you have started to lie to yourself.  You will never be successful lying to yourself!

Everyday men and women  find people to be with in there lives and make this mistake. A woman who starts to become what she “thinks” is the type of woman her man wants.  Not who she really is.  A man who doesn’t really want to marry his girlfriend but does out of an obligation he feels  because they have been dating for years.   The truth is that a relationship/marriage is like a truth serum.  No matter how hard you try,  you can never hide from yourself!  You can only have a good relationship/marriage by being yourself and telling the truth.  What happens when people live a lie? People will do things to cope with the lie such as cheating , drinking , smoking, drugs, etc, etc, etc.   Why? Because a Tiger can never change his stripes and you can’t be any other person  other than the person you are!

I recently saw the movie “The Ugly Truth” which was very funny, but it did point out a very true fact.  The ugly truth is that men are shallow and do want a beautiful woman!  Does she have to be smart, funny, have a good family , morals , etc, etc, etc ?  Yeah, sure, but at the end of the day it starts and ends (sometimes quickly) with how she looks! Sorry ladies but its true.  EVERY man wants his woman to look good, period!

I know women want to believe that men will look beyond the superficial aspects of looks to see the inner beauty of a woman and they will IF she looks good enough for them to want to stick around.  Hell , the truth is, the better you look the more a man will put up with before he kicks you out.  An unattractive woman will be on a  short leash.  I have never met a man that didn’t want his woman to be gorgeous.  I have also never met a man that says ” My girl is dog ugly but she is so smart. I just love her!”   Ask any man a simple question.  If you could have the everything you love about your current woman in the body of  Beyonce or Carmen Electra, would you take it?  Trust me the answer would be yes; no matter what he says to your face.

Now, I am not saying every man ends up with a beautiful woman.   Thats another issue (which we’ll be talking about on our show).  Also, beauty is in the eye of the beholder but ugly is pretty clear.  So, ladies don’t be fooled, all the manicures, pedicures,  gym workouts, tummy tucks, breast implants, face lifts , botox, wigs and weaves do matter.  If you look good men are paying attention!  DAYUM!!!!, the truth is pretty ugly!

I WAS TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING – Beware: If you here this phrase, just go ahead and run for the hills. This has got to be one of the most dreaded phrases someone can utter.  The sad truth is just about everyone at one point in there life has said it to someone.  We all know what this phrase means.  It means I lied and that’s the truth!

How many times have you gone out with someone just because they were nice and you didn’t want to hurt their feelings?  How many of you have gotten married out of obligation instead of for love. Maybe you’ve been dating someone for 10 years and you figure, hell, I might as well get married [it's the right thing to do-right?].  Maybe you get pregnant and marry the guy solely because you’re trying to do the right thing. Maybe you’ve been dating a woman who has put up with your crap for years. I mean she was there for you when you had the car accident, you got locked up or whatever crazy thing that happened in your life; she was there for you every step of the way. You may really care for her, but deep down inside, you know she is not the woman who truly makes you happy, BUT  what do you do; you marry her anyway because she has been there for you and you feel obligated to do the right thing!

If you think doing the right thing is the best solution, ask yourself a question. What if YOU are the person being lied too? You may be in a relationship or marriage where you may love your significant other with every breath in your body, but can’t ever get that bond to grow deeper.  You may spend days, weeks, or even months trying to figure out what the problem is, where the disconnection is coming from. Then after all the talks, arguments, fights and mental frustrations, your partner finally tells the truth. It’s not that they don’t care about you  but they were just trying to do the right thing! Checkmate!!

I know, I know, it always seems easier to deal with the lie rather than be honest with the other person about how you truly feel about the situation. Know that whenever you enter into a relationship like this, it is almost always guaranteed to fail! So remember, doing the right thing isn’t always doing the right thing!!

This is a topic that came up when Naomi and I were having one of our many conversations about love, life ,dating and sex.  The question is simple. When did you start having great sex?  Not just slam bam, thank you ma’am plain sex.  I am talking about the type of toe curling sex when you are confident in your body and you really know how to please your partner to a point where you both leave feeling great!  You know, the time when you noticed sex changed and you really knew what you were doing as a grown man/woman.

All of us would love to believe we were born as these great sexual dynamos, but the truth is most of us; damn near all of us, really have no clue as to what sex is all about when we actually first start having it.  Most of start having sex in the teenage years.  In my day, we started having sex during our late teen years. Today that may be a tad off considering how young kids are having sex now. Who knows when it starts. Seems like these kids are starting as early as age 10!  [Anyway, that's another topic for another day.]

As teenagers, we think we know what we’re doing, but we don’t have a clue.  Back in the day, sex was like a roller coaster ride.  You were just happy and excited to be on the ride, but before you knew it, it was over and you didn’t know what happened.  Very few teenagers are connected to themselves enough to truly have great earth shattering sex! Most of the time, teenagers are just recreating something in their heads or something they’ve seen in a video, movie or porno.  Its not too much different once we become young adults, college student or of “legal” age (18 – 24/25 ) .  These are the years when you have a lot of sex that doesn’t seem to really have a purpose to it.

During these young adult years,  guys definitely tend to subscribe to the motto “quantity not quality”.  Guys are trying to get their hands on as many girls as they can handle.  For ladies, they seem to go through what we call “the freedom years”.  Many girls are getting away from their parents for the first time and they start experimenting more with sex.  However, after speaking to many women about this, it seems young girls don’t go after sex with the same reckless abandonment as men do during these years.  Guys have sex on the brain 24 hours a day 7 days a week; not Love but SEX!!  Woman on the other hand are dating, but are still leaning towards marriage and family.

This brings us to the late 20’s early 30’s.  Many people said this is when they really started to find themselves sexually.  More women have said they really started to know their bodies and understand what they want and how they like it.  However, it seems to me in the late 20’s and early 30’s you really become an adult.  And in being an adult, life and more importantly, love changes.

Great sex happens when love is present.  No matter how much people want to deny it.  The greatest sex comes from the people you have feelings for and care about.  Let’s be honest. Is that one night fling really better than the sex between you and someone you truly love and care about? It’s very interesting how everyone seems to have that one person that “opened” them up sexually and that is when sex changed.  Maybe it was that woman/man you connected with and brought out the “freak” in you.  The key to becoming a great lover is letting yourself go.  The more you let go and really be in the moment with your partner, the better the sex will be. Your special friend/lover is that person who was able to bring feelings and emotions from you that you never thought you had.  Most importantly, you trusted that person enough emotionally to let go and really experience GREAT SEX!!!

So, when did you start having great sex?

How did sex change for you as an adult?

Since we have just come out of one of the most historic elections in US history with everyone from Joe “the plumber” to Jay-Z showing a new found interest in politics. It seems everyone has a strong opinion on one issue or another nowadays.  The issues range from the Wall Street bailout, gay marriage, illegal immigration, General Motors and yes, torture. It seems like everyone has something they feel strongly about, but do your political views go overboard and shrink your dating options?  Are you only going to date democrats?  How about only dating a “real” conservative republican?  I always thought in “dating”,  people were a little more open to find out about the person beyond the politics first before making a decision.  Yeah right! More and more I’m seeing people  not being as open minded about dating as you think.

I was speaking a group of friends and one of them has very strong views that lean heavily toward the republican side of the isle. So much so that if they are on a date and they find out during the course of conversation they differ strongly politically, they end the date immediately (I’m talking in the middle of salad at dinner immediately!) and go home.  I thought that was way too extreme, but as the group talked it seemed that people who are very political definitely factor that into their unwritten dating rules.  So the unwritten rule for today is:

Unwritten Rule: Politics can play politricks in dating! so be careful!

Questions to YOU:

Have you met someone you were “feeling”, but was turned off by their political views?

How important are politics to your relationships?

ABWS (Angry Black Women Syndrome) – do you have it? A good friend of mine recommended a DVD he felt I shoud watch called “Diary of a Tired Black Man”. I guess its been out for a while,  but I am not really into the ghetto style DVDs that hit the street, so I am not surprised I could have missed it. I have to say I was surprised by the content. It’s not a movie per se; it’s a collection of film shorts with commentary from people on the street talking about all aspects of Angry Black Women Syndrome.

To be fair, the film creates the term Angry Black Women Syndrome, but as the film progresses the filmmaker clearly states all women can have anger issues. At the core, the DVD addresses a side of male/female relationships that aren’t always talked about. There has been so much said, written, sang and shown about how men mistreat women, but the other side rarely gets talked about. The fact this film was made from the perspective of a “good man”, made this film different. The term “good man” refers to a man who truly loves his wife/girlfriend and family; one who is trying his best to do right by them. The main point in this movie is “angry” women can make a good man “tired”. Tired to the point where he wants out of the relationship/marriage.

The DVD brings out a few interestings things. The main issue being – many women are angry from the result of bad relationships with men. The DVD talks to several women who admit they are angry and every one of them has had bad relationships. Another contributing factor is the lack of a father figure [people refer to this as having  "daddy issues"]. Women admitted to their own ”anger” and problems with men due to not having a good relationship with their father or the lack of their father’s presence during childhood. The film also talked about how a womens friend(s) can cause her to mess up her own relationship.  It’s a shock to see women finally admit these things, but it is no surprise to men !!

The film was interesting and I recommend you view it. If for nothing else, it will really create some good discussions with your friends, family or your significant other. The film made me want to throw the following questions out for your response:

Women:

Are you an angry woman?

Do you have friends that are angry women?

What normally caused your relationships to go bad?

What does it really mean when you say you are a strong woman?

Men:

Have you dated with an angry woman?

If you have been in a realtionship with an “angry” woman, How did it make you feel?

Did you become a “tired” man?

Both:

How do you resolve conflicts in your relationships (not what you should do but what you actually do ) ?